Constantly evaluation is where I’m at in my complicated relationship with Miles. Every movement, every step, I’m evaluating: What’s going to happen next? Will Miles be bad? Is this the horse I want to ride? Do I want to keep this horse? Do I see a future here? I’m no stranger to worrying about a horse, or a horse’s future. But this is a different type of worry than I’m used to; it’s mental instead of physical. At this point, I’m not sure which is easier.
This week was the first time I felt somewhat comfortable to even ride without an escort (you know, a warm body to watch and call 911 just in case). Which, to be fair, is over-dramatic, since Miles has never really hurt me, although I have made a few trips to the ER after falls. But, it’s worth noting, none of which were recent and none of which have been because of his latest ‘duck and buck’ evasion. So flatting has been going pretty well, although I can’t say that I’ve really enjoyed the rides lately.
Later in the week I took my first jumping lesson on Miles in… a while. I talked tough all week, but when I got on I was nervous. And when we got to jumping, I was pretty nervous. I’m an emotional person and whenever I feel an emotion strongly (no matter what it is), I cry. So as I trotted back and forth over crossrails, a few tears crept out. Over crossrails. That we trotted. I don’t think I’ve ever cried while actually jumping a horse before, and certainly not over such small fences. I’m also not sure if I’ve ever actually been scared. Nervous? Yeah, definitely. Super nervous? Of course. But actually scared? This might have been the first time.
Certainly my first time with this horse.
And let me tell you, a 2’6″ hunter course at a show seems very, very, very far away. I just don’t trust him. I didn’t even trust him to canter a single jump in my lesson. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that I don’t trust him to take a long spot over a 2’6″ oxer and behave on landing. Not to say that can’t change…
At this point, if money was no object, I think I’d send Miles to Maryland to be sold. And buy something more suitable (which would probably also be more expensive). But… that’s not my reality. So I remain conflicted, stressed and very, very disappointed that this is where Miles and I have found ourselves.